It started one Sunday at
church, a trio of musicians came and performed. Two of them were male, one who
brandished an acoustic guitar while the other holds a microphone. In the middle
was a female who braded her hair in such a way that she would look like a daughter
of an Indian chief but at the same time a brilliant looking Jamaican. When it
was time for them to perform, i noticed that two of them has the look of
arrogance, which made me feel a little bit annoyed. The girl, on the other
hand, seemed to carry herself well, despite the snugness displayed by her
companions. They sang their set of songs. Everyone was pleased by the way their
voices sound, as it blended and seemed to come together with each song that
they performed. I on the other hand, was just sitting there and looking all
around to see the audience faces as they were serenaded by the group and the
look of amazement whenever they look at them. It's as if as though it was the
first time they heard a trio singing in harmony and in complement with each
other. I was a little bit tickled at they way the people around me were
reacting to each song. I was drifting off in the sea of people making funny
gestures and extraordinary pictures with their faces. I was completely unaware
of the performers as i watched the audience in silly harmony, each doing their
own version of emotions but in sync with everyone else. Until i heard a voice
suddenly breaking through the crowd, a voice which filled me in an
unexplainable way. As i slowly turned my attention towards the front. There she
was, singing as if she was the only one in that room. I felt a tingling at the
base of my spine, each time she opened her mouth and words seemed to dance
around and make a beautiful melody. I tried to shake off the feeling, but with
no success. I tried not to look at her intently, but her voice seemed to lose
all of my logic and made me helpless and seemed to make me focus all of my
attention towards her. I didn’t care about the people around me anymore i felt
like i was one of them, the object of my ridicule. And as i continued to look
at her, it's as if everything was melting away, the sound of the music, the
sound of the people at the back who was not really interested but talking about
what their plans are after the function. And then i found myself alone with
her, i could only hear her voice clearly. Like an angel, her face so full of
welcome, her voice intoxicating, I’ve never felt anything like this before. I
came back to reality after her song was finished and everyone seemed to fade in
again as they made a sound of appreciation. I was the only one on my feet and
giving them my applause of fascination and appreciation. In my mind i would
like to get to know her badly and would love to be a part of her interesting
life. She was just perfect. She was the one, i told myself. And so i had a
chance to get to know her, i became a part of the group, and i was one of them
in front singing and performing. We were invited in different functions and we
get to spend some time together with the group. I was really so excited seeing
her, and performing with her and at times i get to hug her before and after
some performances, after all, we were in the same faith. Two years past and i
still had no courage telling her how i feel. I really do not know how to say it
to her, i was not an expert in that field. So like any other band, i get to see
her and perform at her side with much hope and longing, but there was this
inevitable thing that occurs with each group, we got tired of each other. One
by one each one would like a chance to steal the crowd and make a name for
themselves. And it was during those times that i saw her interest seem to focus
at a guy who was promised to marry someone who was outside the country, i
watched her fall head over feet with this guy and tried to warn her if the
other girl came back. But i was ignored, she still went through with it. Until
one Sunday, the other girl came home and just like that, she was ignored. I can
still remember her face when she saw him across the crowd and waved at him with
much expectation then when she was halfway towards the crowd to meet him,
another girl held his hand and hugged him and he hugged back. She stopped in
the middle of the crowd, and slowly lost her wonderful smile, and then looked
at the floor and then turned to her left side headed to the door and disappears.
I made a feeble attempt to follow her and thought of ways of comforting her,
but when i got to the gate she was gone. I then decided to wait a couple of
months just to see if she's doing fine and ask her to go out with me. Despite
the warnings of my fellow band mates not to pursue her. I remember one of them
harshly commented on my age against her 'she's too young for you' the fact that
i was only 7 years older. So i finally asked her for a date, i said we would
eat at Fridays. We met up somewhere at an LRT station and that's when she told
me that she was engaged to a guy who was 12 years older than her...
Pretty much my whole world
just caved in right then and there. I would have told her that the date was not
a good idea, but i decided to push on through the date. A lot has happened
during the short trip towards the restaurant like me forgetting where i placed
my ticket to the train, or almost falling off the sidewalk. There were a lot of
things going through my mind. We ate and tried to have much fun together, but
deep inside, i had wished that i had died. After the meal we went our separate
ways and left me with nothing but an empty whole. A couple of years passed and
they got married. And the band also was dissolved, it's funny that i also got
to sing at their wedding and i hated it when some of my superficial friends
told me that i put a lot of emotion to the songs that i sung.
funny how time passes even when you are not having fun. yes, four years have passed and still i am at this job that i do 5 days a week, 9 hrs a day (including lunch time that is not payed). well, i'm not saying that i do not enjoy this job i have, but just to point out, it took me nearly four years to enter another level with my current work and i am not going to sit around and wait another 4 years to get to the next level. it's true that i lack some educational background that is needed for me to have a promotion but who knows? i believe i've already completed a month without any lates or absences (and yes, i used to be fond of being tardy or at least have 1 day that i skip work just to say that i am able to maximize my sick leaves for the year). i want to start a new trend this year (and i hope i wont give up so easily). i know that you can not gain anything by being lazy and laid back when it comes to making a living. i wanna be able to accomplish something in my life (at least at the work place) so that i can look back and say to myself that i had accomplished something that is worthwhile. let me put it this way, i'm 34 and im a college drop out, my singing career is, i believe not going to push through (including the long overdue "indy album" that should have come out several years ago) and i am still single (still clueless when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex). and so, i will have to do some sacrifices and be able to accomplish these simple goals in my life so that i would be, in a kind of way, say to myself, that i have not totally waisted this life that i borrowed in this planet. so, God give me strength!
last year somebody asked me if i could star in a locally produced musical called "Jesus Christ Superstar", and now that i have a job waiting for me, which i really don't know what the schedules would be like. i recently found out that they are going to continue the said event early or late this year. i am now torn between two things, one which reflects my longing and passion as being a musician to be a dream come true and the other is a necessity for me to live and go on with my life. however, without each of them i would feel very unaccomplished. what am i supposed to do? both of them i love, yet both of them seemed to be conflicting everytime. I pray to God that he would make a way for both! it would really be neat if the two would be perfectly done. that i would have time for my job and the other. how i wish and pray that both of them would complement each other. and that i would have no problems at all. especially with my job, i hope that i will not have any complications wit my voice. but of course you have to take one and leave the other. Oh how i wish life would be simpler.
hey, i finally got a job. well i got accepted at a job that i applied for. i thought i wouldn't be able to get in, as i have said in my past blog. i haven't finished a degree yet and i am 30 years old. i hope i can do the best that i am supposed to do in this job and besides, i need to help a special someone in my life. she needs to be confined and we need the money for the surgery. one of the reasons why i applied for this job is for me to be able to help my mom with her surgery. she still needs 5k pesos for her surgery and my first salary will at least be 2 weeks from now. sad to say i have to wait that long. my mom's surgery will be this coming monday. i still haven't got any money to support her. she's the only one i got. my dad passed away several years ago and that made a devastating effect in our family. my older brother lives with my mom right now and my only concern is for him to see what the condition of my mom and take action. i mean he's already married and his children and wife still lives with my mom. come to think of it, the house they are in is really small, it's really enough for 1 bachelor, but hey. my mom lives there, my youngest sister, my oldest brother, his wife and their three children which really bothers me alot. here is my mom, having cancer and still they cling to her like clams. my only prayer is that my brother would realize that my mom is really crowded and that she is really having a hard time living with them. i mean, his three boys are already a crowd too hard to handle. also he has his wife that is not really fond of my mom. i really wish that i would be the one who would live with my mom, and that my brother would come to his senses and that he would really learn that he really needs to leave me wiuth my mom. so that i coud help her. my trauma now is that my broither won't really realize these things.
i am helpless, i am lost
always in hunger, always in thirst
pushing away, wanted to be alone
blinded by pride and jealousy, envy
i walk alone waisting away
can't remember how we first met
how it felt to be safe
in Your arms, the warmth of You
guess all i need is trust
how hard could it be?
You are helpful, You found me
You sheltered me, sustained me
kept me assured, made me your own
with open arms You held me tight
with open hands showed me love
Your greatness ever so abounding
so i will walk...
run...
soar...
in Your faithfulness surrender
You are awesome!
i admit i'm a bum. i applied for this job and i haven't have the courage to follow up on it. my mind says that i need this, and indeed i do. but my heart says wait. there's something more waiting for you. just be patient, this heart of mine says. but with this circumstances, i have to go with the former. Change is good as some would say, but these changes scares me. i know i need to move out of my comfort zone but, selfish as it may sound. i have been too comfortable with the routines of this short life of mine. i'm more of a person who is assuring rather than that of a gambler. oh yes i can gamble if i wanted to, but resources have been short lately. today, i'm down to my last few pesos and i really dont know what to do but to complain. that's it. again i would reiterate, i'm a bum.
A : I used to have one, but since my employer did not see any more use for me,
I simply got turned down with no separation pay
Q :So what do you plan on doing after this great disappointment?
A : I’d probably apply for another one
Q :what kind of job?
A :maybe I would try my luck on a call center or something
Q :have you applied for the job?
A :not yet, I don’t have money to continue my application?
Q :how about a loan of some sort?
A : I’ve been thinking about it lately, but I know that most of my friends would ignore my request for a loan. So I don’t have any chance of getting my act done.
Q : how come you wont trust your friends for help?
A :well, they’re just busy with their own lives that they don’t even notice that I’m dying here.
Q :so, are you trying to tell me that you are just going to sit around and wait for some type of a miracle to occur for you to be able to sustain yourself?
A :all questions points to yes.
Q :so you’re some type of a bum?
A :not really, I just don’t want to cause problems with most of my friends especially when they are trying to help me and such. Whatever.
